5c. First tentative foray into creative writing, “Cops, Robbers & Spies”

On moving from Mount Pleasant to Greendale Lea and I left Avondale School and enrolled in Courteney Selous Junior School - Standard 5 and Standard 3 respectively. 

                                    Courteney Selous Junior School Badge

Neil who was a few years older went off to Churchill High School.

It must have been around Christmas 1957/58, the end of the school year was approaching when Lea, who couldn't have been more than twelve at the time, cooked up an idea which if in the unlikely event of it ever being permitted it would take us out of reach of the teachers and away from the classroom for the last two weeks of term. The idea? To put on an end of year school show. But not just any show. A show 'by the kids', 'for the kids'.  Written, staged and acted by kids...to be watched by the whole school.

                      Me wearing my Courteney Selous school blazer

Although the odds against it ever happening were pretty remote, Lea, always the optimist, asked his teacher, a Yorkshire man named Robby. Robby mentioned it to Mr. Levitt the head master...and this goes some way in proving real life is indeed stranger than fiction, because Mr. Levitt gave the idea the green light...what was he thinking? 

We - I was allowed to take time out my class to help with the production - had two weeks to not only write the play, but to select a cast, procure costumes and organize rehearsals...so we needed to shift ourselves.

That night after the 'go ahead' had been given Lea and I, armed with dad's portable typewriter and a pot of tea, locked ourselves in our bedroom and set about writing the script.  We were under the impression writers drank numerous cups of tea... some kind of a tannin lubricant to oil the creative wheels...which in our case certainly didn't work.

After an hour and numerous 'lubricating' cuppas we gave up the ghost.  It just wasn't happening...the creative wheels weren't turning. In fact they had come to a complete stop. All we managed to come up with was the title, "Cops, Robbers and Spies"... (more a wish list of characters we'd like to play than a title). 

                        A picture paints a thousand words

That night we experience our first taste of writers block and as the blockage seemed to be set fast, it was decided we'd let the story-line evolve 'au natural'. By which I mean we would resort to what we did in the play ground at break time, i.e. make up and act out stories as we went along… today it has a loftier title,  'improvisation'.

Our cast included all the usual suspects,  Lea, me, Mac, Alan, Alec Moig, Robin Roll and a whole bunch of kids desperate to escape the classroom...needless to say we had to turn away hundreds of applicants…well if not hundreds a good few.

The great day arrived. We had turned up early and created a stage at one end of the classroom by pushing all the desks together and set out rows of chairs commandeered from nearby classrooms for the audience. 'We', by which I mean 'the cast', assembled in the boys loos dressed in our 'costumes' borrowed or stolen from our dads…this was exclusively an all male cast.

Lea who played the part of the Master Spy wore Dad's whiteTuxedo which reached almost down to his ankles...the rest of us were similarly attired in blazers and suit jackets, etc. Incidentally, to add 'character' to our characters - we had been split into three groups named in the title "Cops", "Robbers" and "Spies” - we used burnt corks and spent end of matches to draw mustaches, side burns and unrealistic looking scars (lines with dots either side) on our faces. We checked ourselves out in the mirror…although we must have looked ludicrous we thought we were the business.

We were as ready as we'd ever be and waited with growing excitement for the audience to get seated.

It was at this point, a few minutes before curtain -- not that we had a curtain -- that Lea received a sudden flash of inspiration. Something that would elevate our “Cops, Robbers & Spies”  from a confusing, structure-less anarchic turkey of a  show into a total triumph. That something in a word was Gobstoppers! He dashed off to the tuck shop and hurried back clutching a gigantic bag of them.

No sooner had he returned than someone ran into the boys loo and announced the audience were seated…the time had arrived to launch "Cops, Robbers and Spies" on the world.

Our appearance onstage was greeted with enthusiastic cheers…which died out as soon as the play began and the audience tried to figure out what they were watching. 

I know we incorporated a lot of guns shooting in our play…when I say guns I obviously meant index fingers and when I say shooting I obviously meant we shouted, “Bam!” or  “Ratta-ttata-ttata-Ratta-ttatta-Ratta-ttat!” if firing machine guns. There were also innumerable hand grenades thrown by dastardly spies,  which went something like, “Eeeeeeee---Boom!” And bombs, "Ker-Pow!" dropped on spies by unseen but  'audible' Stukka Bombers. "E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!!!!" I don't remember how the Luftwaffe came to be included in the story but included it was. 

Consequently with all this ordnance flying around the casualty count among the characters in the play was horrendously high, around 99%. On the plus side, however, it  meant plenty of opportunity for 'dying acting' which we all loved and stretched out for as long as possible. Our terrifyingly realistic howls of agony as we staggered round the stage after being shot or blown up and before gasping our last breath was a high point if not for the audience then certainly for those of us taking part.

And thus after a good fifteen minutes of murder, mayhem and a lot of dying on stage - literally! - our show came to a brutal and climatic end...with only one man (boy) left standing, brother Lea the Master Spy in the white Tuxedo

Confusingly instead of rapturous cries of delight - we thought it had gone brilliantly - our bows were met with polite but decidedly unenthusiastic applause.  I can only assume "Cops, Robbers & Spies" was one of those entertainments which are more entertaining for the entertainers than the audience...but all was not lost.

Lea, who must have had a premonition that our show, like the Stukka Bombers, would take a nose-dive,  took out the gigantic bag of sweets, looked out at the sea of less than satisfied faces and asked if they wanted a gobstopper. The mood changed instantly as in one voice they shouted, "YES!".  Lea had them in his hand, well the bag of  gobstoppers, and chucked a handful into the audience. A riot ensued as kids scrambled around the floor trying to bag a gobstopper. Another handful followed the first…more cheers more scrambling and more importantly, smiling happy smiling faces emerged from the scrum... another handful of gobstoppers rained down on the audience... and another...and another, until the bag was completely empty.

When asked immediately afterwards if they had enjoyed the show the audience to a man – well boy and girl -  nodded their approval…they couldn't say yes because they were sucking on a great big gobstopper…hence the name of the confectionery.

So, as the bard said, "All's well that ends well".